you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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