I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
