Dude my mom stole all your condoms
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
