The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
