Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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