this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize