I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
