And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
