I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
