why didn't you poke me back
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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