According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
