Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
