i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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