I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
