god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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