The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
