Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
