god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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