every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
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