So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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