dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
