if i can run in heels then i can drive
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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