Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
