I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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