is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
