i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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