I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
