I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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