I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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