4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
