1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
