Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
