He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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