your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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