dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
