If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
