remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
