How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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