are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
