The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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