Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
