I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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