so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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