So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She told me I should be a condom model.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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