Farmville is her only friend.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
