I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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