He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
