Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
