dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Randomize
