i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
