Only a mothe r could love this liver
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
