made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
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She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
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