I cannot find my penis.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
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What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
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I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.