I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
what day is it and did you see me today?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
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Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
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Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.