I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
