i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
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Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
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In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass