the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.