I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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