why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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