got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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