i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
