it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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