i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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