I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
