apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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